Kissed By a Dementor

January seems to be the month of summer parties, birthdays, gatherings, basically a month of group socialising, predominantly bound together with the intentions of getting smashed and hooking up with randoms. Something that many of my peers seem to consider as having fun and maybe it is but, to be honest, the idea has never really appealed to me. Now, even though it is well over a year since I graduated from high school, I only recently realised how despite living in the real world a part of me is still stuck in the societal expectations of the hallowed halls of high school.  As many know the social ranking of high school is made out to be the most important thing, many belong to a clique of some descript whether it's the "popular people" or the "nerds" or "jocks" and well for those who don't belong to any group they are ironically cast to the clique of "the outsiders." Now I'm no Ponyboy; in high school, I was part of a gro

Dear Friend, I’m sorry I didn’t write sooner, and perhaps you’re wondering why I’m writing now after all this time or why I’m writing at all. Recently on one of my coffee dates with Jiminy Cricket, I brought up the subject of how I’ve officially passed the one year mark since graduating high school. This recent achievement had me wondering whether people who were so instrumental in my high school life would be interested in knowing where I am now, what I’m doing and how I am. I'm writing today acknowledging how far I've come, and after speaking to Jiminy Cricket, I realised writing a letter is the perfect way for not only me to look back on the past year, but for those of you interested. I want to show you that without your support I would not be here today. I'm finally getting to a headspace where I can truly value your role in my life. Whether you met me in year seven or somewhere along the way, if you’re reading this it means that despite my many masks you w

I’d like to share an essay that I wrote at the start of the year for Youth Studies, which focuses on how the stigma surrounding mental illness has influenced and continues to influence my personal experience with mental illness.   The stigma surrounding mental illness is one of the major social constructs impacting on the societal understanding of mental illness and affects the way in which individuals with mental illness are perceived and treated (Conrad & Barker). Goffman (1963) classes stigma as “a ‘mark’ that signals to others that an individual possesses an attribute reducing him or her from ‘whole and usual’ to ‘tainted and discounted’” (Pescosolido, 2013). The stigma associated with mental illness in current society, whilst illustrates the social fault lines of a society that produces such prejudice and discrimination, it also is negatively impacting those with mental illnesses. With the prevalence of mental illness in society today, especially prominent in y

Three years ago today, I had a panic attack that changed my life. For those of you who don't know what a panic attack feels like, for now all that you need to know is that in the moment of a panic attack, when you can't breathe, you feel as though the world around you is going to fall apart and for me I hold my breath in hopes of speeding up the process. The ironic thing about panic attacks despite how much control you wish to have, you have no control and you have no control over your actions. This letter is for you Ms Clearwater, it is all the things I wish I could have said to you three years ago.  Dear Ms Clearwater*, I know that you said you’ve moved on long ago, which I respect. However, I’m still caught in the past and up until recently I haven’t had the capacity to deal with what happened between us; three years ago. It’s three years today since my panic attack that lead to me losing you. But then again, I never really had you, did I? Maybe you wanted

Think back to your childhood; do you remember ever wanting to fly?  Looking back now what do you see? Do you find yourself wondering why your younger self didn't seem to be preoccupied with the fear of falling? Well looking back now I see a lot of things, I find myself asking how is that children can be scared of something so trivial such as monsters under the bed, but when they're wanting to fly the thought of falling never appears to cross their minds? I don't recall ever wanting to fly, I think I was too frightened by the idea of falling that flying seemed impossible. So I never gave much thought to flying, instead, I focused my attention on this fear of falling.  Fear in itself is a tricky thing it can be the key motivator in pushing us to where we want to be and sometimes beyond but it is also what prevents us from reaching that beyond. There's this quote about how it doesn't matter if you're scared it doesn't mean you're

Dear Tim*, Please know that I don't hate you I really don't and if you were to reappear by my side I wouldn't fight it. I keep hoping that you're going to come back. My friends think I'm better off without you, they tell me if you were to return I shouldn't let you back in because I deserve better and maybe I do, but I believe in second chances and I believe that you are a good person. But I'm angry too and you know how much I struggle with anger. I have great trouble in being angry especially because I believe it's my fault, I'm the reason you left, I'm too much and for that I'm sorry. So, how can I be angry when it's my fault, it isn't fair on you, that's how I see it anyway. Instead of continuing to try and suppress my anger, I need to let it out. I hope you read this, that you understand how much you've hurt me and how I wish you'd come back. I hope you know how shitty it is having you there one day

O nce upon a time, there was this little girl who was happy. Well, she had this smile that stretched across her whole entire face. That smile of hers happened to brighten everyone's day of whom she came to come across with, whether it was just walking past someone in the street or talking to someone; she just seemed to have this knack that made everyone else around her smile. Well, now that smile has been wiped off her face and she is left as an eccedentesiast; someone who fakes a smile. She has reached her lowest point she wants to die but she tries to be strong and brave. Whilst she remembers all of the pain she has felt over the years, the worst is the feeling you get when happiness is ripped away from underneath you, leaving you falling down a bottomless pit. Well, she decided that she hated feeling that way, she didn't like losing control, but then again it wasn't that simple. So it was decided then, that she was going to block every sign of happiness in other wor

Recently the idea of hospitalisation was posed to me by my GP as a very real possibility. He started to explain that all these things we're doing, the medication, seeing a psychiatrist and working with my psychologist; they're only short term; prolonging the inevitable. I showed him what I had recently written trying to explain how I'm feeling: "My head feels like it's about to blow. It's reached full capacity. I'm mentally and physically exhausted. I'm ready for it to blow. I'm ready for the release so I can start over. But it isn't coming. Why isn't it coming I need it to come! I really do. Without it breathing is becoming harder by the second. I'm full of all these emotions that I need to let out but I can't. They're there but they're not. I'm depressed but I'm not. Because even though the feelings are there I can't actually feel them properly. They don't do what they used to do. People

It was inevitable: life was everywhere I turned. My earliest memory is of this dream I had, where I went outside and threw snow on my face because I didn’t and couldn’t believe that I was real, that what I was surrounded by was real. I was about five when I had this dream and ever since then I have always questioned things. Like all things with time and practice I've become better at overthinking. I have perfected the art of overthinking; it is now an involuntary response for me.  Second guessing things I guess is where it started.  Little kids in general are perceived by adults to be innocent, curious, inquisitive and naive. Innocent in they haven't really experienced the real world (the real world something I wish to further discuss in another post). Their inexperience of the real world contributes to them been naive but also the fact they are just children and are still learning. Whilst they have inexperience of the real world, they have experience o