Dear Ms Clearwater

Three years ago today, I had a panic attack that changed my life. For those of you who don't know what a panic attack feels like, for now all that you need to know is that in the moment of a panic attack, when you can't breathe, you feel as though the world around you is going to fall apart and for me I hold my breath in hopes of speeding up the process. The ironic thing about panic attacks despite how much control you wish to have, you have no control and you have no control over your actions. This letter is for you Ms Clearwater, it is all the things I wish I could have said to you three years ago. 

Dear Ms Clearwater*,

I know that you said you’ve moved on long ago, which I respect. However, I’m still caught in the past and up until recently I haven’t had the capacity to deal with what happened between us; three years ago.

It’s three years today since my panic attack that lead to me losing you. But then again, I never really had you, did I? Maybe you wanted to be there for me, but you never could’ve been there the way I wanted you to be and maybe the way you wanted to be.

I’m not going to go into the details of what happened because if you’re reading this, you know what happened, I screwed up; at least that is what I’ve believed for so long.

I have blamed myself for so long, and a part of me still does and probably always will. However, I’ve finally come to realise that what happened is something I can’t change and whilst what I did wasn’t ideal it is probably the best thing I could have done in that moment. If I hadn’t of called you I would have put myself at a greater risk of physical harm, which would’ve caused additional emotional harm and trauma. And if I were to go back to that night and chose not to call you, well don’t think I’d be here today.

I want you to understand how hard it has been for me, I haven’t been able to let go. I’m hoping that writing this letter will help me begin to move on.

I thought what happened then was rock bottom for me, maybe at the time it was because I did hit my dad, I tried to run away and I rang you because I couldn’t breathe and I had no one else to turn to. But it was earlier this year when I hit rock bottom. Roughly twelve months ago, I found myself before the gates of hell, with the words:

                        I AM THE WAY INTO THE CITY OF WOE,

                        I AM THE WAY INTO THE ETERNAL PAIN,

                        I AM THE WAY TO GO AMONG THE LOST.

                        …

                        ABANDON ALL HOPE YOU WHO ENTER HERE.

Engraved on them. I found myself standing where Dante and Virgil had once stood many moons ago, it was here that I realised if I were to return to the light as Dante had, I must first suffer for a period of time. I took a deep breath in and as I exhaled I embarked on a journey, my journey through hell; the nine circles of hell.

Writing has always been my way of trying to understand all that’s going on in my mind as well as being an outlet that I can always count on. I would like to share with you something I wrote earlier this year, from the depths of hell.

“It’s my fault, I’m the problem; I am. I hate myself for what I did; from the second you picked up the phone, I knew it was wrong but I couldn’t hang up because somehow, I knew that would be worse. The following day in the meeting, they didn’t ask if I was okay, they didn’t care about me, all they cared about was protecting their reputation. They didn’t say it aloud that what I did was wrong, but they knew it and I knew it; I was the problem, the reason. I screwed you over, it’s my fault, I crossed the line. My psychologist says that there were two people in the relationship, and I’m not the only one, but I am. You never asked me to call you, that was me, it was my fault. I let you get too close. I trusted you and I let you in. I was meant to protect you, but I didn’t. If I hadn’t let you in, I wouldn’t have called you and I wouldn’t have fucked things up. I manipulated you by showing you my vulnerability. It’s all my fault and I hate myself for it every day, I really do. I know you would have moved on long ago and I wish I could do the same, but I can’t because it’s my fault and how can I let it go when I’m the problem. This just adds to another reason for why I should kill myself. I’m always the problem, you left because of me because I’m too much! If I kill myself the problem goes away but more importantly the pain stops; I’ll finally be free. I don’t blame you. Maybe this sounds like I’m looking for pity, but I’m not, I honestly just see myself as the one always at fault. If Jiminy Cricket were to leave, as much as I hate to think about it, wouldn’t she be leaving because I was becoming too much? I’m scared of being too much for people like I was for you because I know how it feels; I’m too much for myself. Suicide that’s my out, so I understand why people leave, why you left because I was too much and it’s why I blame myself because I’m too much and that’s my fault!”

I’m not sharing this with you to make you feel guilty, I don’t blame you, I’m sharing it in hopes that you’ll understand that I don’t hate you. I want you to know that for the past three years the above excerpt is how I’ve felt from the moment you answered the phone; I have always blamed myself. Before my journey through hell and during some parts of my journey, I’ve blamed and hated myself. Ever since that night of the few people, I told they have all told me how I should be mad at you because you were the adult in the situation, but how could I blame you? I hated myself for the position I put you in and it was just one more bit of evidence for me to kill myself. Please know that I don’t hate you and I don’t blame you, I just want you to know how hard it has been for me to live with this guilt and hate for myself. As you continue reading this I ask you to keep this in mind of how for three years I’ve blamed and hated myself, you will see why I’ve asked you to do this towards the end of this letter.

So why now? Why am I writing this letter, three years later? Yes, I’m still caught in the past and I’m still hurting. For so long, no matter how hard I’ve tried to forget, to move on, I haven’t been able to. After hitting rock bottom, I found myself at the gates of hell, and as embarked on the hardest journey of my life thus far I faced many challenges, one of the challenges for me I think was opening up to Jiminy Cricket about what happened between us, how I was never given the help you sought for me, and how much I blamed and hated myself. I let Jiminy Cricket in, the most I had let anyone in since you. As Jiminy Cricket sat before me taking it all in, my mind raced expecting her to leave, anticipating how long it’d be before she left, leaving me behind falling to pieces like you did. But she didn’t leave and Jiminy Cricket is still here by my side, and Jiminy Cricket is now one of my dearest friends, and she has helped me to better understand what happened between you and me. Jiminy Cricket explained to me how before hitting rock bottom, before my journey through hell I didn’t have the tools that I have now nor the mental capacity and maturity to understand and process what happened at least not properly. When I hit rock bottom, I had to choose whether I was going to continue living because that’s what was expected of me or was I going to choose to live because that’s what I wanted to do. When I was at rock bottom, Jiminy Cricket along with my psychologist and GP said that it was time I took action and responsibility for my actions, which I didn’t understand. They explained how up until this point I had been living because that’s what people expected of me, but it was now time to choose, so with careful consideration of the pros and cons, I decided; I'm going to take it one day at a time and if all I do is breathe that day well that's a mighty hell of a job. It was when I decided this that I moved closer to the light, just like Dante and Virgil did as they made it closer to the ninth circle of hell. Jiminy Cricket helped me put things into perspective, allowing me to finally realise how I was “in no way to blame”. Jiminy’s impartial opinion as both a teacher and friend allowed me to finally understand what others have tried telling me; you were the adult in the relationship, you had the power. You should’ve known better.

Having survived my journey through hell, I now have the capacity to finally process and try to understand what happened three years ago. I can now write the truth, ask you all the things I’ve been too afraid to say before, but in order to move on I think I need to first revisit the past and this time, I think I have to be honest both with you and myself.

So now I must ask; why did you let me get so close? You were the adult, why didn’t you stop me from getting too attached? Why didn’t you protect me? Yes, you were someone I trusted and I loved having you in my life, but how could you let me trust you? You let me get attached, more than I was ever meant to or allowed to. You were meant to protect me! Why? I know you tried to protect me, but in the end, you hurt me, you broke my heart and I haven’t been able to move on since that night. I’ve hated myself since then, I’ve blamed myself when really you shouldn’t have allowed me to become so involved. You were the adult, you had the power to stop things before they went too far, but you didn’t and now it’s too late! I trusted you, you meant the world to me, you made breathing all the more bearable. But you didn’t protect me! Why didn’t you protect me? Why? For so long I blamed myself, I believed I was the reason that you left. But you didn’t protect me the way you should have, maybe it was easy for you to walk away, maybe they helped you or perhaps I never meant that much to you, which I really don’t want to believe. But it wasn’t easy for me, it isn’t easy for me! You may have sought help for me because you were concerned for me, but I never got that help apart from been told what I did was wrong. I got nothing. Nothing! You told me that you cared for me and that you would always be here for me, but now you’re not and it hurts, I miss you so much! So, when you were no longer there for me I blamed myself. You pinky promised that I was not a burden, that you cared, that I could trust you and that you would always be there for me. But you aren’t here and maybe you don’t miss me but I miss you.

I hope you understand that I don’t hate you, I might be angry that you didn’t protect me, but mostly I miss you and I miss what we had; before things went bad. All I’ve ever wanted to know was your truth – what was I to you? Did I mean anything to you? Do you hate me? I have all these unanswered questions that I want answered but most of all I want to know that you’re okay and that I meant something more to you than just any other person.

My psychologist asked me how I felt after writing this and honestly, I feel guilty and scared that it makes me a bad person. She then asked what makes me feel bad? I explained that I’m scared that what I’ve written sounds like I’m blaming you and that I hate you, but it’s not what I intended. My psychologist explained how she doesn’t think I’m blaming you, she explained how there’s a difference between blame and responsibility. With this situation it’s about responsibility, response and able, you were the more able person in the situation, you were the adult. She said how it isn’t about blame, it’s about who was more accountable or responsible, which makes sense. She then posed the question: would the outcome have been any different if what happened hadn’t happened? I asked what she meant, and she explained how you were at full capacity whether you realised you took on more than you meant to in the beginning or if it wasn’t until later that you realised you were out of your depths, so eventually you would have had to step back. So, what would have happened if I hadn’t called you? Would it have been a ticking time bomb that blew up no matter what happened?

I respect and love you for how you tried to be more than what you should have been for me, but I’m also disappointed that you didn’t stay within your role, I guess that would have saved me a lot of pain.

I hope that one day we can go for coffee and talk because things have changed and we’re no longer in the same roles we were before. Maybe I’ll never get your side of the story, which I hate but I can’t control that. I’m trying to move on I really am. I think having hit rock bottom and gone on my journey through hell, I’m inching towards the light and hopefully having now written this I can begin to finally put the past to rest.

Love always, Martina xxx

*Name has been changed for obvious reasons, but you know who you are