Hospitalisation a Very Real Possibility

Recently the idea of hospitalisation was posed to me by my GP as a very real possibility.

He started to explain that all these things we're doing, the medication, seeing a psychiatrist and working with my psychologist; they're only short term; prolonging the inevitable. I showed him what I had recently written trying to explain how I'm feeling:

"My head feels like it's about to blow. It's reached full capacity. I'm mentally and physically exhausted. I'm ready for it to blow. I'm ready for the release so I can start over. But it isn't coming. Why isn't it coming I need it to come! I really do. Without it breathing is becoming harder by the second. I'm full of all these emotions that I need to let out but I can't. They're there but they're not. I'm depressed but I'm not. Because even though the feelings are there I can't actually feel them properly. They don't do what they used to do. People say this is good but how? Now more than ever I'm trapped in the prison of my mind the bars are made strong there's nothing that allows me to break free even for a second. Not having my panic attacks and not feeling properly is killing me. I understand to an extent how people think it's good. But then again how is not having panic attacks and not having that release good? It is only killing me faster, wearing me out quicker and because of the failure of release I'm forced to bear the weight of so much more than before making each step a humongous effort draining me both physically and mentally. I'm almost out of oxygen. I'm close to breaking point. I'm closer to escaping, breaking free for once and for all. As much as I'm ready to die, as much as I'd love to kill myself. To break free of this prison forever. I know I can't. I'm not ready to die, deep deep really deep down I don't think I want to die. But I'd give anything to be able to feel, this not numbness perhaps dullness of my emotions it's strange and maybe that's normal- how normal people feel idk. All I know is I don't like it. Does that release ever come? Will I be able to feel the way I did - maybe not as extreme- but at least to an extent? But I can't win either way can I? I can only see myself losing, and I just picture how one day I magically won't wake up but I guess that's wishful thinking. I want to die, but I don't. I want to kill myself but I don't. I'm trying to understand how all this can be, and how and if I can continue on like this. I feel more lost than ever right now because at least before I knew a lot more than I do now about my emotions. I'm confused and to be honest a little scared of how I'm feeling and I don't know if it's because it's new or if it means I can't cope like this and that I'm better off giving up now."

After reading this he said that my writing shows how things are getting worse. I understood what he meant to some extent although the need for hospitalisation and idea of only preventing the inevitable really stumped me. He tried to explain to me that all the short term stuff is prolonging the inevitable; the inevitable meaning me killing myself. He said that if I were to be given a safe environment, where I can let my guard down and let everything go; hit rock bottom safely as if it were. Instead of me holding it all in as it's draining me and it is a humungous effort for me to keep doing so. He's worried that if I continue to hold it in that i will become more vulnerable to the suicidal ideation; that eventually i will be too worn down to protect myself. He then explained that even though I don't think I'm capable of killing myself it is a very real possibility if I continue to keep on going the way I am. To help me better understand what he was saying I wrote about it: I am a building and currently the foundations are shit and as I keep adding levels to the building it becomes increasingly unstable. If the building could be pulled down safely, the foundation can be relayed this time properly providing a safe and beneficial structure for it to grow. 

Looking at it this way I understand what he's getting at. I can see that hospitalisation could give me the break I need. He also said to me going there wouldn't be a sign of weakness it would be a sign of been strong for so long. Honestly the possibility of hospitalisation scares me beyond words. But as my dear friend Jiminy Cricket said to me "that is all it is at the moment- a possibility."

Before I go on I should probably explain, Jiminy Cricket is a very real person, it isn't just something in my head. For obvious reasons I'm not using anyone's real name well except for mine. For now all you need to know is that Jiminy Cricket is my friend who I trust and love with all my heart; someone that helps make the breathing a little more bearable when all I want is to stop breathing. 

After telling my psychologist, Stacey, what happened with my GP, she explained how I don't necessarily have control at the moment. Stacey expanded on the notion that these things we're doing are only short term, because in the eyes of medical professionals such as my GP and Psychiatrist they are after rapid change. As long as I continue to talk about suicide, they're going to keep treating it seriously including the possibility of hospitalisation. Stacey pointed out to me that at the end of the day the choice is up to me. She asked me "what do you want?" I said, well ideally not to be suicidal, and I want to experience emotions such as sadness for a reason. Okay she said "for now let's try and focus on the non-emotional things because your emotions are numb at the moment due to the medication. But first let's try and change your perspective, rather than moving away from being suicidal, what about moving towards living. So what are the differences between the two for you?" I thought for a bit before saying how currently I'm just breathing, I'm not living and the breathing is very hard for me; it's draining physically and mentally. I guess living would be breathing without effort all of the time, being able to do the things I want to do. Stacey then posed the question of "What do you live for?" These are the main things I guess:

    ~ Completing my degree

    ~ Teaching

    ~ Social events

    ~ Travelling

    ~ Finding love

    ~ Having a family

She then suggested we break them down into smaller parts, questioning "What do you need that you don't currently have or get?" For example for completing my degree I need better energy levels and higher concentration, "What do need to do for better energy levels?" I said exercising regularly, "how?" perhaps I could join a boxing or yoga class or go to boot camp. "What class are you most likely to try?" Yoga. "Well can you arrange a trial class to go to?" Yes. "Okay and can you promise me you'll actually go this time and give it a try? I want you to try and remember that when you're learning something new you're allowed to make mistakes and you are going to  make mistakes. You're going to be uncomfortable and not confident and it's okay. What you're doing is trying to create healthy habits which are built gradually and in the long run they will become second nature to you. Right now all that I ask you to do is try."

Stacey then explained to me how "what we just did is what we're trying to do, we're working towards you living rather than working away from you being suicidal. However it's important to try and notice when your mind switches from the present to suicide as it has become a nasty habit, you've got to try and draw yourself back to the present. What can you do to draw you back to the present before your brain starts spiralling?" First I guess I need to notice where I've gone from and from there I can ask 'what was going on before I switched?' Stacey suggested that whenever I notice that shift to suicide mode and notice the thought that took me there, to note it down, so we can start to see what we need to address.

Before concluding our session Stacey said "Are you wanting to take responsibility for your life?" This question stumped me, the way I see it is I am responsible, I had to become responsible early on in order to protect myself and protect others from me, I'm getting help, I keep on breathing even though I don't want to. I asked doesn't that mean I am taking responsibility for my own life? Stacy explained that "current you're not in control, you're not responsible for your life, instead you're allowing your GP, psychiatrist and even me to take care of you, currently your in a passive role." After Stacey explained some more I realised that instead of allowing my GP, psychiatrist and Stacey to continue to take care of me, I need to and want to start taking responsibility for my own life. I want them to work with me not for me, I need to be active rather than passive, because currently I'm not being active in that sense. I then said to Stacey the reason I haven't killed myself yet is ultimately because of other, I'm doing what they want me to do, which Stacey explained "if you keep doing this you're not going to be in control and you're not going to be able to get better because your want isn't there. You do have the capability to change but it will be hard because you've gotten used to doing something different for so long it has become a habit."

Stacey suggested I start noting the not so good and the good, which will also help me bring in my wants to the conversation rather than just what's expected of me. By bringing my wants into conversation with them and others, it'll help me rediscover other aspects of my identity which will help me see what else there is to me.

For now I continue to breathe, as I try not to be weighed down by the possibility of hospitalisation, instead I'm trying to put into play what I discussed with Stacey.