Dear Friend,

Dear Friend,

I’m sorry I didn’t write sooner, and perhaps you’re wondering why I’m writing now after all this time or why I’m writing at all. Recently on one of my coffee dates with Jiminy Cricket, I brought up the subject of how I’ve officially passed the one year mark since graduating high school. This recent achievement had me wondering whether people who were so instrumental in my high school life would be interested in knowing where I am now, what I’m doing and how I am. I'm writing today acknowledging how far I've come, and after speaking to Jiminy Cricket, I realised writing a letter is the perfect way for not only me to look back on the past year, but for those of you interested. I want to show you that without your support I would not be here today. I'm finally getting to a headspace where I can truly value your role in my life.

Whether you met me in year seven or somewhere along the way, if you’re reading this it means that despite my many masks you were able to see the real me; whoever that is. Each and every one of you were there for me at various times in my life. Throughout high school, I faced many low points, battling my anxiety as it has continued to grow in ferocity, with severe depressive episodes. You saw me at my most vulnerable and yet you stayed, you helped me breathe when I couldn’t breathe on my own, you kept me going when I was unable to. Without you, I would not be where I am today. You were there in my most desperate times of need in many ways. Whether you held my hand, offered a shoulder to cry on, gave me much-needed hugs and love, gave me words of advice or something entirely different. Each and every one of you helped me in your own way and without you, I would not be here today. You know who you are and how much you mean to me as I have expressed in previous letters before.

One year ago, I crossed the stage into the unknown, a dark abyss. School had always been my safety blanket, it's what helped motivate me through my depression, it was where I formed relationships with all of you, it's what kept me breathing. Perhaps you remember me expressing my belief that when school ended I too would cease to exist, despite your reassurances that there was so much waiting for me on the "other side." Having been on one side of the stage full of tears, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks - basically the Martina works. I’ve written this letter is an update on life in the 'abyss' which I have discovered isn't really an abyss at all.

For the first few months, I kept busy with family and work, I don’t know if you know but I’m now a manager at mini golf which I love and I’m kind of proud of. In January, I sort of moved out of home, I live with my aunty, uncle and little cousin during the week for tutoring and university and then I stay in Geelong at home for when I’m working at mini golf. Moving out (part-time I suppose) has definitely helped reduce the strain on my relationship with my parents. Also, I love living with my little cousin he is only 2 and he adores me, plus he’s great to cuddle.

Whilst I was kept busy for the first few months after graduating my anxiety was really bad along with my depression, however, I persevered for those months keeping myself busy. When everything started to slow down as January came to an end, I fell apart fast. Perhaps you remember what I’m like in panic attacks and maybe you believe you saw me at my worse and yes at the time it probably was my lowest then but it definitely isn’t now. As you may recall bottling up is my speciality and generally, I can go for six months or so without visibly collapsing, yet it only took a few months for me to crumble. I hit rock bottom; my anxiety was through the roof, I was having panic attacks daily, and I was stuck in a major depressive episode. I lost my will to live, I was finally ready to stop breathing I had plans in place. Yet here I am now, so what happened? At one of my GP check-ups I broke down and it was there in the doctor’s office that he rang my psychologist and got me the next available appointment. He put me on suicide watch – I was to see him the following week, and I was to make sure I wasn’t by myself for more than an hour. My meds were increased rapidly. For about a month my meds continued to be increased; I saw my GP and psychologist weekly, yet I was still highly suicidal and my panic attacks increased in severity and frequency. I was too tired, and I had given up for therapy to work by itself at this stage; I needed meds to address the severe chemical imbalance. My doctor was out of his depths, after 2 months of trialling different meds and doses, yet with no budge, I was referred to a psychiatrist. Rather than tell you about all the problems faced I’ll just say that after three months of trial and error with meds they finally found a combination and dosage that helped regain chemical balance. Currently, I’m on 250mg of Sertraline which is an antidepressant, that has significantly reduced my anxiety and severity of depressive episodes. It has also helped decrease the frequency and severity of my panic attacks. Additionally, I am on 5mg of Olanzapine, an antipsychotic used to treat mental illnesses such as bipolar, whilst it is unlikely I’m bipolar the possibility remains. I take Olanzapine to help further stabilise my emotions, as my psychiatrist helped me discover that on top of severe anxiety with depressive episodes I suffer from emotional dysregulation – which honestly through my research makes sense. Despite going to therapy weekly, earlier this year it wasn’t effective, not because I wasn’t trying or because my psychologist isn’t good (she’s actually amazing). But because I was so goddamn exhausted (see hospitalisation post). The current combination of meds has proven effective in helping restore a somewhat chemical balance. The work I’ve been doing in therapy has started to become effective, because of the balance achieved by the meds, I’m no longer dangerously suicidal or tired.

Please don’t think I’m telling you all this to make you feel sorry for me or something, I think I’m telling you this partly because I want to but it also helps me put things into perspective as well as it frames what I want to say. When I hit rock bottom earlier this year, my psychologist said that I had choices to make and only I could make them. She asked me one session whether I wanted to take responsibility for my life, which admittedly stumped me because in my eyes since a young age I had always been responsible for my life because I had to be. I had to protect myself from my mother as harsh as that may sound. But despite been ready to stop breathing I hadn’t made any attempts, I continued to take my meds and I continued to go to therapy and in my eyes, I was fighting, I was responsible for my life. After getting some clarification from my psychologist, I wrote the following to Jiminy Cricket explaining how, I realised that “instead of allowing my GP, psychiatrist and psychologist to continue to take care of me, I need to and want to start taking responsibility for my life. I now realise that currently, I’m only passively responsible, and to be actively responsible for my life I need and want my medical team to work with me rather than for me. Ultimately, the reason I haven’t killed myself yet is because of others, I’m doing what they want, which my psychologist explained that if I keep doing this I’m not going to be in control (ironically) and I’m not going to be able to get better because my want isn’t there at least not strongly.”

Even in high school, it was your belief and expectations of me to keep breathing; that I did. However, unlike others’ expectations of me whom I was angry in a sense for them using my weakness of needing to please people against me. Whereas with you it was different I felt safe enough that I didn’t have to hide my true want to stop breathing which for me made all the difference.  Been able, to be honest with you and knowing that you were honest in return made me feel not only valued but in a sense, I was no longer powerless. Now I’m not saying you gave me permission to kill myself or anything but you treated me in a way that many others couldn’t. When I was with you, I knew it was my decision maybe you had expectations of me to keep breathing yet you didn’t force them on me or use it against me which I’m truly grateful for.

This decision, I had to make was one of the hardest things I’ve had to decide.  For so long others’ expectations had been my life support and when I think back to it I’m reminded of Robert Frost's poem “The Road Not Taken.” A couple of months ago I reached a point where “two roads diverged in a yellow wood” I could either continue on the safe route; surviving off others’ expectations which would either have led me to continue breathing unhappily or dead. The alternate route “the one less travelled by” would be me taking responsibility for my life; actively, a path that I had not really taken before and what is at the end of that is unknown. Now you have a 50/50 chance of guessing right. However, I feel if you’re reading this well then you probably guessed right now I don’t have a date or anything specific about when I chose which path to take or how it happened exactly.

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-

I took the one less travelled by,

And that has made all the difference.”

I chose to fight and I think it is important that you know, for me this is by far the hardest decision I’ve had to make. Earlier this year I hit rock bottom and I was ready to die, I wanted and needed to die. When faced with this decision I will admit that I didn’t think I could breathe on my own, I didn’t believe that I had it in me and sometimes I struggle with thinking I made the wrong decision. As much as I’d love to say I’m cured, but I’m not. Whilst, I’m no longer actively suicidal, I do have suicidal thoughts because for so long it was a very real option for me. I don’t want to go into details on been suicidal in this letter but if you are interested in knowing more I’m planning to write a blog post in the near future about being suicidal.

So where am I now and what am I doing? I’ve recently completed my first year at ACU in Melbourne with relatively good grades. I’m undertaking a Bachelor of Arts majoring in Literature and Psychology, which I’m loving. For those of you who said that I would flourish at Uni, thank you so much because you were right. Currently, my plan university wise is that following my BA degree, I hope to do my Masters in Secondary Teaching, whilst concurrently doing religious education units. At this stage I do not wish to teach Italian, however, I’m planning on going to Italy in the beginning of 2019 for six months, possibly a year, which is exciting but petrifying too. So much has happened in this past year and whilst a lot of it wasn’t great, I’m glad it has happened. Having hit rock bottom whilst having a strong support team has made all the difference, without my team I would not be breathing. For so long I had lived off the expectations of others, and whilst I have always appreciated the role you have played in my life, looking back now I have a greater appreciation for all the things you have done for me. It has been a few months since I made my decision to continue breathing for myself, to fight for myself, I now have an understanding that I am worthy of life and I think it has made all the difference.

Thank you for all that you are and all that you’ve done for me, I would not be here today without the role you played in my life. I am eternally grateful and miss you with all my heart, I’d love to hear from you whether you write, text or call, perhaps we can go for coffee and catch up. Thank you for taking the time to read this it means the world to me.

Love Always,

Martina

P.S. The picture featured, is my tattoo of a semicolon on my wrist, it is my small reminder to keep on breathing and it is part of Project Semicolon. “A semicolon is used when an author could have chosen to end their sentence but chose not to.” I am the author and the sentence is my life, my story is not over yet.