Dear Tim,

Dear Tim*,

Please know that I don't hate you I really don't and if you were to reappear by my side I wouldn't fight it. I keep hoping that you're going to come back. My friends think I'm better off without you, they tell me if you were to return I shouldn't let you back in because I deserve better and maybe I do, but I believe in second chances and I believe that you are a good person. But I'm angry too and you know how much I struggle with anger.

I have great trouble in being angry especially because I believe it's my fault, I'm the reason you left, I'm too much and for that I'm sorry. So, how can I be angry when it's my fault, it isn't fair on you, that's how I see it anyway. Instead of continuing to try and suppress my anger, I need to let it out.

I hope you read this, that you understand how much you've hurt me and how I wish you'd come back. I hope you know how shitty it is having you there one day and gone the next with no warning, no reasons. You were just gone.

I never asked you to care and I didn't ask you to be there for me. I never asked anything of you. So why did you make what I guess were empty promises? Why did you say you care and tell me you'd always be there for me? You've left, you've dropped off the face of the earth - you gave me the excuse your phone was broken which I brought but that was months ago, I know now that you're ignoring me. 

You said, "I'm always here for you Martina, you can count on me but I'm also a dickhead so don't expect anything less from me." Am I a fool for focusing on the first part of what you said. Was wrong that I wanted to see the good in you? That I did see the good in you, I believed you were a good person, and I still do, but for now, I need to put that aside because I need to tell you the truth. 

I hate you for promising me that you cared when I was at my lowest, to only have you turn around and leave. Was it because you pitied me? Or did you genuinely care? If you did care why did you leave? 

I hate that I trusted you that you led me to believe that you really did love me and care about me as a friend. You made me promise not to kill myself, you told me I wasn't alone that the battle I'm fighting was a battle we were fighting together that you were right beside me holding my hand. But you're not here. You promised me, you fucking promised me and you left anyway and I hate you for leaving but more so I hate myself. I hate myself for trusting you. I hate that I was too much and I hate that I can't be angry at you because I understand, I am too much for me, so how could I expect someone else to deal with that. I can't run away from me not really unless I kill myself but you could and run you did without ever looking back. You fucking left me because I was too much, so how can I be angry at you, it isn't fair on you - I can't be angry at you, I'm always the problem, I'm the reason people leave I'm too much and I'm sorry okay I'm sorry. I hate how I am angry at you for leaving but I need to let myself be angry, okay?

I don't understand how someone can go from loving you and promising to be there for you one minute to the next where they've completely dropped off the face of this earth. How do you do that? Was it easy for you? Did you even really care? It isn't fair, you fucking promised me, I didn't have a gun to your head, I didn't force you to care, I never fucking asked for any of it, okay? You did it of your own volition whether or not it was genuine and you actually cared or you felt obligated because of how fucked up I am! I don't know what it was, was it real or fake for you? It was real for me, it is real for me. You were my friend and I trusted you, to be honest, I still do, and I keep hoping that you're going to reappear and it'll be all alright. You mean a great deal to me and you made me promise not to kill myself because and I quote you said "I've had three friends commit [suicide], I can't have a forth so please don't give up. Promise me that you push through for at least the first half of the year coming to me whenever you need it and thinking about all the people who love you, all the places you are yet to see and the career you're yet to have. In six months we will see where you're at but you have to just try to squint and see the light at the end of the tunnel." Was that meaningless to you, was it bullshit because I don't believe it was, I think you cared and somewhere along the way I became too much and you left. Is that what happened was I too much? Or did you leave because you really are a dickhead?

I don't want to believe you're a dickhead, that you're a bad guy. You're a good guy, I really do believe that, yes you act like a dickhead but that's it you act you aren't an actual dickhead, you're a genuine guy who happens to get caught up with the boys. I want you to know that I don't think you're a bad guy, I believe that you're a genuine person I always have and I think I always will. You were there for when I needed at least for a brief time. Whilst I'm mad at you for leaving without a word I don't hate you, you're my friend and I love you.

My friends tell me to get over you that you're an asshole who care about no one but himself. They don't understand why I'm so upset over a guy who in their eyes is an "asshole". But you meant a great deal to me, you still do, you were there when I was at my lowest, which I never asked for but you were there. I trusted you, which is a big deal for me, I don't know if it was the way you made me feel safe and how you promised me you'd always be there for me that I could count on you, the point is I trusted you.

I don't know if I'll ever stop hoping that you're going to come back, or if I'll ever stop wondering why you left if it really was me if I really am too much. I just want you to know the way you left me wasn't cool, you hurt me, you really hurt me but I still love you so if you are reading this do please at least reconsider. Please come back I miss you, or at the very least be the decent person I know you to be and tell me why you left.

Love always,

Martina

*- Name has been changed for obvious reasons, but you know who you are.