Afraid to fall

Think back to your childhood; do you remember ever wanting to fly? 

Looking back now what do you see? Do you find yourself wondering why your younger self didn't seem to be preoccupied with the fear of falling?

Well looking back now I see a lot of things, I find myself asking how is that children can be scared of something so trivial such as monsters under the bed, but when they're wanting to fly the thought of falling never appears to cross their minds? I don't recall ever wanting to fly, I think I was too frightened by the idea of falling that flying seemed impossible. So I never gave much thought to flying, instead, I focused my attention on this fear of falling. 

Fear in itself is a tricky thing it can be the key motivator in pushing us to where we want to be and sometimes beyond but it is also what prevents us from reaching that beyond. There's this quote about how it doesn't matter if you're scared it doesn't mean you're weak or anything, it's what you do with that fear and how you overcome it that matters. For me, I've always struggled to admit when I was scared I still do because for so long I've believed fear makes me less of a person that it makes me weak.

For the past six months, I guess, it has become more of a struggle to go to social events, so recently when I went ice skating for the first time with a group of people, I consider it a big achievement, which I need to try and not diminish that. But little did I know how much I'd learn from going.

As I stepped one foot at a time onto the ice I found myself tightly latching onto the side of the ring. I began to cautiously and very rigidly move one foot in front of the other. Just as I was starting to make my way around the ring for the second time, some of the ring was blocked off; including the safety of my wall. I tried going back the other way because there was no way in hell I was ready to let go of the wall but stupidly I forgot that it was one way. So as I held onto the wall paralysed with fear, with nowhere to go, one of my friends came and held my hand guiding me across to the other side of the wall. My friends took it in turns holding my hand crossing to the other side, despite numerous times of nearly falling and taking them down with me I survived and the wall was still there for me. When it was free to hold back onto the wall, I was skating around the full ring again, my mind started spiralling and I guess this was when I started to realise the similarities between ice skating and well me and my struggles, it allowed me to put things into perspective.

The wall is my anxiety and sometimes depression; it's my mental illness. Currently, I hold onto that wall for many reasons, but fear is what drives it. The fear of falling, and the fear of not been able to pick myself up again. The fear of the unknown. The fear that nothing is there. The wall is what holds me up, it's the reason I am who I am today, without the wall I'm nothing, well at least that is how I see it. My psychologist is helping me to look at what would happen if I don't let go and what would happen if I did let go.

One day when I was telling Jiminy cricket how I'm scared that if I do let go of my anxiety that there will be nothing left that I'll cease to exist. Jiminy cricket said that it's okay to be scared that if I weren't scared she'd be worried because being scared shows how much I care. She then explained that it's okay that I can't see anything beyond my anxiety because I'm too close, but she promised me that there is plenty more beyond my anxiety that she and others can see. I just have to put my trust in them. I said but I don't trust many people, she said well do you trust me and I said with all my heart, well then you don't have to see it for yourself because I do and for the time being, that is enough.

I'm not ready to let go of the ring, not yet anyway and I don't know if I'll ever be able to let go, but I'm willing to consider the possibilities, to try and understand possible outcomes and for now, that is enough. I may not be able to see that there is more to me than my mental illness, but it's okay for I have Jiminy Cricket holding my hand, which makes me want to believe that there really is more, that one day I will be able to let go of the ring.