January seems to be the month of summer parties, birthdays, gatherings, basically a month of group socialising, predominantly bound together with the intentions of getting smashed and hooking up with randoms. Something that many of my peers seem to consider as having fun and maybe it is but, to be honest, the idea has never really appealed to me. Now, even though it is well over a year since I graduated from high school, I only recently realised how despite living in the real world a part of me is still stuck in the societal expectations of the hallowed halls of high school.
As many know the social ranking of high school is made out to be the most important thing, many belong to a clique of some descript whether it's the "popular people" or the "nerds" or "jocks" and well for those who don't belong to any group they are ironically cast to the clique of "the outsiders." Now I'm no Ponyboy; in high school, I was part of a group and by a part of I mean I had a group of girls that I'd sit with at lunchtime and occasionally I'd be actively involved in conversations. We'd go to parties together, hang out outside of school and within our group we all had our smaller friendships. Don't get me wrong after graduating high school I, wasn't expecting that we'd all stay together, and sure enough, our group started, to drift apart and at least that's how it seemed.
Now as it was recently January, through the wonders of social media my newsfeeds have been inundated with posts from my high school amigos, who believe it or not have been partying it up together. Cue panic attack. As my mind began to spiral out of control I messaged one of my close friends, questioning everything and by everything, I mean EVERYTHING!!! Since graduating, I found that the only time I heard from my friends was when I made the effort to speak to them, and despite my futile attempts to hold a conversation with my various friends our conversations often came to a crashing halt. So, was I naive in thinking that this was the same for the majority of the group? I mean aside from obvious friendships amongst the group, the majority of the people in the group were in it because of the situation rather than individual wants. I mean if none of us had mutual friends or some similar interests or been in multiple classes together, if we hadn't of been bound at school six hours a day, five days a week and go to the same parties, I honestly believe that "our group" wouldn't be much of a group. Now stand alone a photo of a few friends from "our group" on Facebook, I just think "oh that's nice", however since seeing a string of friends from "our group" repeatedly hanging out in photos on social media, I began to freak out and at first, I wasn't sure if I suddenly had FOMO (fear of missing out) or because I'm an anxious and paranoid person. Either way, I began questioning my entire self-worth. What If I'm a bad person? What if I was never part of the group? What if no one ever really cared for me? What if they didn't value my friendship? What if I was a pity friend? What if I'm not friendship material? Are they really my friends if they haven't made any effort to stay in touch? Confused with where I stood in terms of my friendships with "our group", I turned to my friend for guidance because I couldn't determine if I was imagining it, even though I was certain that I wasn't. It was here that my friend and I had a DM regarding friendships. With help from my friend, my perspective was altered and I'm all the better for it.
Have you ever heard the cliché how "we have three types of friends in our life; friends for a reason; friends for a season; and friends for a lifetime." I remember being told this from a very young age and for the majority of my life I have always turned to this in times of turmoil as a sort of answer. Whilst falling apart after yet another friend walked away from me, I found myself deciding whether that friend was for a season or for a reason and if I decided the latter I'd try and find that reason rather than accepting. Now, this may work for some people, however, for me, this was only the beginning of my spiralling. After deciding which type of friend, they were, I would play back every scene shared between us frame by frame trying to find where I went wrong, where I screwed up. I never blamed the other person, I always came to the same conclusion no matter how I got there I found that I was the problem. I'm ALWAYS the problem. I agree that this mentality isn't great, but as it is something that I have done since I was little, the blaming of myself has become ingrained in who I am.
But I am working on rewiring my neurons; my thinking pattern, because as Jiminy Cricket and others tend to remind me a lot of these things are far beyond my control let alone my fault. People leave that fact has always been apparent, however, the why isn't so clear and maybe that's how it's meant to be. They say there are two sides to every story, and maybe there's more but the fact remains we are biased to our own side of the story and at least for me that means I'm the one to blame.
For me second guessing is well my second nature, however, it has been taken to a new level with me trying not to default to blaming myself. With every new message I get from a friend whether it be a response to my message or an out of the blue message, I find myself dissecting every tiny element to the point that I'm questioning our friendship. Maybe it is a part of who I am, but I don't want to question every single aspect of every friendship, it's draining and tolling on me, I don't want to do it anymore. And perhaps that seems extreme, I know it definitely seems impossible but as I said my friend has helped me to realise some things.
Some friendships well majority of them are circumstantial. We form friendships in different circumstances, whether it's situational, similar interests, mutual friends or something entirely different. In high school, my "friendship group" were brought together by numerous factors the main been situational. Since graduating I have drifted apart from my "friendship group" due to changing of circumstances. Having found that because I don't share similar interests with the majority of the group that is to catch up to party a hook up with guys, we have trouble communicating a lot of the time it feels forced. Maybe it's because I try to hard or care too much but this whole idea of drifting apart ignites a certain fear in my mind. I know intellectually people and circumstances change and it isn't my fault it's just an apparent part of life and due to such factors, friendships fade. Just because I'm no longer part of the group or what's left of it, it doesn't mean that I'm a bad friend or a pity friend, just that I'm different from them and that's okay. I'm not to blame, I haven't done anything wrong people leave it's a part of life. In times of vulnerability, I find myself losing grip on my intellectual reasoning and all I'm left with is completely skewed, disproportioned evidence that people leave because of me because I'm the problem. The thing is now I'm beginning to understand the true nature of relationships and I'm working really hard at using my intellectual side in times of emotional dysregulation rather than the unsupported 'evidence' that I'm to blame. I'm not saying it's easy in fact it's hard as fuck but I'm working on it and that's all that matters in the end.
Having faced many friendship troubles over the years, I now realise that the cliché about three types of friends isn't something that I need to be looking to for answers, whilst the notion behind it is honourable, I have found that it does more harm than good - at least for me. Whilst, people leaving is an apparent part of life, the why isn't so clear, and I don't know if you ever get to find out the why despite your desperation to know. I've tried many ways, I've tried identifying what type that friend was, I've tried finding all the things I did wrong, only to discover that the why isn't that important. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, as much as I want to know why people left, in hindsight I don't think knowing why they left would make any difference - if it were I think it'd only cause me more angst.
Instead of focusing and worrying about friendships that could've been, I'm working on appreciating my true friends, enjoying spending time with the people who matter most to me. I'm not saying the others don't matter because they do matter, and if they were to turn to me in need I would more than happily help them. But now I'm discovering that I have more time for my close friends, time for long coffee dates, spontaneous outings to magical places, I have time for the little things, the things that matter.
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